


Bitter Colors In Our Space

by ExtinctionOfReality



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Physical Abuse, Surprise Pairing, Tragedy, Yandere Tachibana Makoto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-25 09:25:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3805240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExtinctionOfReality/pseuds/ExtinctionOfReality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't his fault...is what he kept telling himself. It was Haru's fault for ignoring him, for never noticing him...for not accepting his feelings. And he was going to pay for that. Wait, no no, he was going to make Haru understand. Understand just how much he actually loved him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Epilogue

**Author's Note:**

> First time posting anything on this site...let's see how it goes.  
> This will contain some chapters...as many chapters as I feel inspired enough to write. In a twisted way, I relate to this story on a deep, emotional level...everything I am going to convey here is actually how I feel sometimes myself, muuuch leeeeess extreme of course, but the general feelings and thoughts are very familiar to me. So, if there is any problem with my description, I apologize beforehand. I am just trying to convey my own thoughts.
> 
> This story will not contain non-con themes, I will say this upfront so as not to disappoint(?) anyone. The reason for that will be explained within the fic.

The cool night air was rustling at his hair, but he didn't notice it. The cold ocean waves were hitting his feet, soaking them wet...but he didn't notice it.

The brunet was staring forward into the ocean, as if beyond the horizon, not a single thought running through his head.

He was tired, exhausted in fact. But more than that, he was numb. Numb enough to feel absolutely nothing.

That is why he was not at all bothered by the cold this night had brought about. His deep blue eyes didn't hold a single spark of emotion indicating he was at all bothered by anything, more so than usual for he hardly ever showed any emotions. It was as if he was completely detached from the world.

And indeed he was...he was pushing it away, rejecting it completely.

But...was he pushing the world away from himself, or himself away from this world..?

It didn't matter...in fact, nothing at all could ever matter anymore.

The sound of waves crushing filled his ears...and he finally closed his eyes, before opening them again, raising his head to look at a few stars visible in the sky.

It was dark...everything was...completely black.

He had no sense of time anymore. He wasn't sure how long he stood there, but his thoughts were slowly returning to him. The events of the past month hit his mind with a sharp pang...and he wished he didn't have the ability to think.

It was all so twisted...too twisted...Makoto was-

Oh, Makoto...his former best friend.

Of course, there was no way said male wouldn't enter his thoughts. But even though in the past bright thoughts would fill his mind, this time...he had nothing to offer. Nothing at all.

Because Makoto...he breached his trust. He destroyed everything they had or could have had.

And it all happened so suddenly... Haru didn't see it coming whatsoever. It was as if he snapped, something clicked in his mind and the brunet paid the price.

At first, he wondered why it was happening to him...but those thoughts stopped too. Because he realized it didn't matter 'why'...it was too late for 'why' when he was bound by the chains, thrown into a dark room with four walls and no light...and a dark, silky voice whispering into his ear, asking him questions...and any wrong answer, no matter how minimal, would result in a punishment.

A severe...painful punishment.

He had to find a way to get out of that place...but the longer he stayed there, the faster his wish to escape disappeared. He was accepting his fate. He was giving into the crazy or...maybe...he was losing his mind himself.

The abuse...he started to like it at one point. He could distinguish between when Makoto was being kind to him and when he was beyond angry...depending on how much the hits hurt.

And he couldn't do anything about any of it. He was cuffed and bound.

He asked him so many...many things...and even though Haru was truthful with every reply...because he had no sense, reason or strength to lie anymore...

Makoto never believed him.

Not a single time.

He talked about love...how much he longed after Haru and couldn't bare watch him with anyone else...how he rather see him dead than giving any other person a single glance, no matter how small.

But Makoto couldn't kill him because he wanted him all to himself. Haru realized he was lucky in that aspect. Very lucky.

But...as days, hours, he had no idea, flew by...the thought that he couldn't take the pain anymore, that he much rather be dead...never once left his thoughts.

But he wasn't allowed such a luxury.

Because he was a liar. Because he couldn't love Makoto back.

Even though he did.

Irony right there...Makoto didn't believe him. He had no idea the taller male had such a low self-esteem...that Haru apparently caused with disdain.

He has always been ignoring Makoto...and he hasn't realized it.

The more he listened...the more he found out the things he never knew, never thought about.

Haru started to think of himself as a monster. He ruined Makoto so much...such a kind, caring and always-happy person...completely shattered and reduced to this state...

Makoto blamed him for everything. Haruka accepted every single blame in the end.

And started blaming himself too.

He succumbed to his fate.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"...Liar."

_Bang._

"Do you love me?"

"No."

"...why, Haru-chan?"

_Bang._

It was a full circle.

No end.

No escape.

And he kept repeating the same things over and over...the same questions were also uttered for the entire month...like a broken record. How Haruka endured it...he had no idea.

But then...there were times Makoto was back to his normal self...during those times, he treated Haru's wounds, talked about minor silly things, fed and bathed him...

Being so generally caring...as if they were lovers.

Isn't that what they should have been...if they both loved each other..?

Those short-lasting times made Haruka happy. He learned to appreciate small, simple things...because they wouldn't last long. He knew the same wounds were going to be split open again...but he was glad about one single thing...

Makoto wasn't completely ruined by him.

Even though he wasn't sure which one was the real Makoto in the end.

Not anymore.

...he still managed to escape in the end. Makoto...made a mistake. Because Haru was so tame, he released him from the chains.

A few days. A few days, that's all it took.

Haru had no idea where he found enough strength.

But because he was allowed to go outside the room now...

It was easy.

It was easy to find a knife in the kitchen.

It was easy to catch Makoto off-guard.

It was much easier to kill him than he expected.

The cooped up emotions he had for an entire month...all of the hurt, hate, agony, pain...it all slipped out at that single second.

His killing was brutal...he kept stabbing until he couldn't recognize the body at all. Until there was nothing but a bloody mess of bones and flesh left.

He felt content, absolute bliss for the first few moments.

But it soon turned into nothingness.

He felt nothing.

He killed the one he loved...the one who claimed he loved him back at that. In a sickeningly twisted way...but he couldn't deny it...he could somehow understand his feelings.

He and Makoto...could they have been the same..?

Haruka started thinking similarly in the end...

Because as he left the decapitated body in his own dark house...he realized one single truth.

He was euphoric no one was going to look at Makoto again.

His entire body was beyond recognition.

So Makoto was completely his, alone...for the rest of eternity.

Haru found his way to the ocean...a place he and his best friend spent a lot of time at...a place Makoto has always hated, loathed, resented...was afraid of. It brought a slight peace to Haru's being.

It was his perfect place to escape to.

His parents...his friends...

Did they know what had become of him..?

Haru had no clue what Makoto did to make them not realize his absence for an entire month, but...

The same thought crossed his mind again.

It didn't matter.

Nothing mattered anymore.

And as he stepped further and further into the depths of the dark, he smiled ever so slightly.

It was over. He didn't have to feel or think anymore.

The water...soothing as always.

His home...

His life.

After a month of his cell...

One last thought had crossed his mind...

One last and most important thought than any other.

No one could get him. No one would find him.

Makoto belonged to him, but till the end...he didn't belong to Makoto.

He didn't belong to anyone.

And he never would.

Not now...and never.

Because...that's what he was...

That's all he was...

_He was free._


	2. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, it's entirely Makoto's POV.

I have been trying really, really hard. Too hard for too long...to surpass my feelings.

They have been piling up inside me for years... Almost for a decade, ready to burst at any time.

No... I couldn't allow that.

Haru wouldn't understand.

No one would.

Loving a guy...

Haha...wait...there is nothing wrong with 'love'. Why is loving a guy wrong? I don't think it's wrong. Society does. And maybe Haru does too.

Although he is so far away from society...

This is the only single thing I didn't know about him. Ever.

Until the day I saw him watch Rin with those shining blue eyes.

Since then... I felt something in me burst. Everything, every single emotion I was trying to surpass...it came crushing down inwardly.

Finally...finally...

I could take a deep breath and think rationally.

I was nothing to Haru in the end, wasn't I? As soon as Rin appeared in our life again...he distanced himself even further from me...

Much...much further...

I did anything and everything for him...always by his side...

And what did I get for that?

A cold shoulder...as soon as someone better appears.

...was Rin better than me?

Haru...Haru...

Don't do this to me...notice me... I...I need you.

I love you.

Haru...

...Hahaha...

Gods... I can't shoulder this anymore. I don't have the strength for any of it.

Nothing...

My mind has reached its limits and my heart is aching...

Longing...

Please notice me, Haru...

Can't you see me..?

See right through me...or I'm afraid I'm going to...

I-I'm going...to...

"Good morning...Haru-chan."

The usual ritual. Me retrieving the beautiful merman to go to school. A bright smile on my face, I reached a hand towards the brunet in the bathtub.

He is so beautiful like that...wet body and hair...

If water was concerned - Haru always looked most stunning in it, no matter where.

"...morning," he muttered and grabbed my hand as I helped him stand up, picking up a blue towel and throwing it over his head, my school bag ended up carelessly on the floor...and I was completely entranced, focused on none other than Haru.

It's always about him only.

Only Haru.

I proceeded to dry his body, getting him into clothes and we were practically out the door...he just needed to put his shoes on.

Just his shoes...how simple could that be...right?

"...any plans for after school?" I asked cheerfully, knowing the answer to the question already, but none the less I asked anyway, out of pure politeness.

As usual, we could spend the evening together, just the two of us. That thought made me euphoric.

"...yes. Rin wants a race."

...

...

No.

No.

No!

...Wrong answer.

And before I realized myself what I did, I grabbed an umbrella beside the door and smashed it against Haru's head, the force making him hit the wall, knocking him out.

Jealousy.

Jealousy...

Mind racing, heartbeat quickening.

Skin burning, blood boiling-

...ah, there was a bit of blood.

...I was shocked.

Completely and utterly.

This couldn't be happening.

My...my world...

...came crushing down.

We...we were supposed to spend time together. The reply should have been the usual 'no'...

...does he not care about me? Does he not need me? Does he not want me in his life anymore..?

Are we not best friends anymore..?

Best friends are forever...forever...so...why this?

Why is this happening right now..?

Why Rin?!

I was shaking, convulsing...as I slowly gathered Haru's body into my arms, cradling him to my chest, a chocked sound escaped my lips and I was on the verge of tears.

...don't leave me.

I'm lonely.

I...need you.

Stay.

Please...stay.

I love you.

Love you...

Too much...so much.

Haru...

Don't you love me too..? Why can't you love me, Haru..? Why do you love Rin..?

Why?!

I did everything for you...absolutely everything...and this is how you treat me..?

...I don't...understand.

I will never...understand.

...just this once...please...allow me to be selfish.

I will take good care of you.

You need no one else...right?

Please need me...only me.

I beg of you...Haru.

Please.

Please.

"Please..." I whispered hoarsely into Haru's hair, tears running down my face, wetting his damp hair.

...Be mine.

Forever.

That's all I want...all I need.

Please want and need the same.

This was the start of the entire month I kept Haru all to myself.

...Needless to say, we were absent from school that day and in Haru's case - forever.

...I would make sure of that.  
 _To Be Continued..._


	3. Building Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for taking so long with this update…for those of you who were actually waiting for it (if there were any people like that lol), but here it is…the next update will probably take a few weeks too…but we'll see.
> 
> Enjoy..?

I...didn't want to do this, but I had no choice...

Is what I kept telling myself as I tied Haru's arms and legs, as carefully yet tightly as I could without actually hurting him.

Haru gave me a wrong answer...he needed to understand that...and I wasn't sure how else I could make him understand.

With words? 'But Haru, I wanted to hang out with you today', like I always did in fact...not like he didn't know this, I'm sure... But since he decided to go for other plans, then it obviously meant he was tired of my company...he didn't need me...he didn't want me around anymore.

My fists clenched on my knees as I watched his peaceful face, pulling a few strands of hair from his forehead, smearing some of the dried blood. I checked the wound before...it was nothing serious, thankfully I didn't crack his skull open and he was alive.

Because if Haru was dead... I had no reason to live.

At all.

My entire world flowed around him.

Did he know that..?

If he did...would he understand it..?

I shook my head sadly and closed eyes, a sigh escaping my lips.

Why did it have to be this difficult..?

Why couldn't Haru just be solely with me...and mine alone?

Rin this, Rin that...

I was sick and tired of it...too much...if only anyone knew...

If only they knew...

Only when my phone started ringing did I realize I have been sitting there in my thoughts for far too long.

It was Nagisa. How cute...

It didn't take much effort at all to answer in my usual, cheerful tone. Over the years, I became a master when it came to concealing emotions.

It took no effort even in this situation either.

I told Nagisa that Haru overslept and I was trying to get him out of the bathtub, nothing new, that we would probably get there after lunch.

An obvious lie, but it would do for now.

It was easy to lie too.

They only ever saw one single side of me, after all.

Ah...if only they knew what kind of monster I really was...

A walking, possessive parasite.

Was it really such a bad thing? Why would loving someone, being attached to someone this deeply, ever be a bad thing? If anything, it should be wonderful...and it is beautiful in its own way...loving someone so deeply, caring about them, wanting to bring the entire world to their feet.

But...why couldn't anyone cherish this?! Why was everything I ever did for Haru taken for granted?! I never even asked for much...just his company. I gave him everything he could ever need, why would he need anyone else?!

I couldn't understand this...but I wanted to.

And I would get my answers...because me and Haru would have a long talk.

Starting now in fact.

My eyes softened and a tender smile appeared on my face as I watched blue eyes open slowly...gods...how beautiful watching that one small movement was...

How much I adored Haru.

He was confused at first, then his face twisted in a painful scowl... And he finally looked at me. At first, his expression gave nothing away, but then his eyes widened in shock in realization as to what happened and what was going on. Hmm...although he probably couldn't comprehend till the end just how serious all of this was.

I could only assume though...and he started struggling against the binds.

Typical...

"Makoto..?" he asked slowly, disbelievingly...there was a specific tone in his voice...as if indicating I betrayed him.

Oh no no no Haru, you got it all wrong.

You. were. the. one. who. betrayed. ME.

"Sorry it hurts, Haru..." I said normally, as if we were talking about the sunny weather or swimming, caressing his sore spot, feeling a swell there and his eyes twitched a bit from the pain.

"I'll get you something cold for that!" I said with a wide smile, "...if you answer a few of my questions truthfully."

He hesitated...he was still confused...

Typical.

But he had no choice in the matter and he would understand everything soon.

Everything...very soon...

"Don't worry about your answer Haru-chan, I will understand no matter what!"

And I would, of course. I have been over-thinking so many things for far too long and I concluded everything that could ever make sense.

It was going to be easy.

"What am I to you, Haru-chan..?"

My hand was still caressing his hair and I looked as harmless as I could possibly be. This should provide him with at least some reassurance...not to mention I started with an easy question.

All he needed to do was answer.

Haru wasn't a person of many words, I knew that too well, so I was patient...and gradually, I was rewarded with an answer.

"...friend."

Oh...

"Just a friend?"

He looked even more confused...my grip on his hair tightened and the smile disappeared from my face.

...Wrong answer. And it was just the first, easiest question.

"...best friend."

Oh! My eyes widened in surprise and the smile adorned my features again, the grip on Haru's hair lessening.

"...Am I your only best friend?"

He hesitated again...and it took ages this time, so I reassured him once again I would understand no matter the answer.

Because I will.

"...there is Rin and-"

A punch landed across his cheek.

Wrong.

Answer.

...but I can't say I didn't expect this.

Like I said, I did understand.

In the end, I really did mean very little to him.

How unfortunate...

Sighing, I caressed his cheek lightly, his shocked blue eyes solely on me...where they should always be.

Ah... That alone made me happy inside.

But...his answers didn't...

"Last question for now Haru and I will get you something cold for the sore spots," even though he didn't deserve it...but I am just too kind aren't I, "Do you love me? Not as just a friend...or best friend...but...as someone special?" my voice was giving away too many emotions and I didn't hide any of it.

...

...

... ...

I grabbed his neck and almost chocked him for his answer. It got to the point where he almost passed out but I let go of him in record time as he gasped for air hungrily, coughing a few times.

Haru wasn't stupid after all...

"It's not nice to lie...Haru."

He probably saw through my intentions and decided lying would get him out of this faster.

Fat chances.

What his answer was..?

Oh...he said 'yes'.

And that could never be the case. Never ever eever in a thousand billion whatever years.

Haru didn't love me. He didn't need or care about me.

That was my truth...and it was the only logical and obvious existing truth.

Because...there was no happy ending for me.

For anyone but me.

...and if I had to...I would drag Haru down with me.

Why?

Because I simply can't exist without him.

"Sorry, Haru, but you will need to sacrifice everything you ever cherished for me."

Even if you don't want or love me.

His breathing stabilized by the time I said this.

And he stared at me in complete...horror.

Good.

...do you hate me yet...Haru-chan..?

I'll make you hate me more than you ever could.

...because that's all that is left for me.

All I deserve in this world.

Standing up, I glanced down at him one last time and went to get something cold to put on the hurt temple.

The door creaked open and shut with a loud thud, leaving the merman beauty alone in the dark.  
 _To Be Continued..._


	4. Deceiving The World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...this certainly took ages to update...but don't worry, I am not giving up on this story. Just please be patient with me, thank you. *bows*
> 
> Nothing much is happening this chapter, but it was necessary to take the story into this direction. Bare with me.
> 
> There will obviously be more MakoHaru action as soon as I am done with this necessary side trip.

"But nii-chaan, you hardly spend time with us anymore!"

"Yeah! We will help you study, just play with us!"

Ren and Ran... Ah, if only the world knew how much I adored my two younger siblings. At this point in life, if I didn't have them, I am not sure what I would do...

And I felt a bit bad for neglecting them recently.

Still...they needed to understand that currently, their Aniki was busy. Very busy.

And no matter what, Haru will always be top priority.

"Sorry, but I need to study. I have semester exams coming up you know?" a bright smile on my face, I crouched down to be at their levels, ruffling soft locks.

"But...do you really need to sleep over at Haru's place?" Ran pouted at me.

Ugh...persistent little-

"Yeah! At least come home to sleep! Mama and papa will be leaving on a business trip soon and..." Ren went silent, lowering his head.

...gods, it was really hard to not give in when they were being this cute... My eyes softened and I was about to, but...

"Haru is lucky to get a chance to spend so much time with nii-chan..." Ran blurted out, then looked up at me with sad eyes, "Haru stole nii-chan from us! I hate Haru!"

"Yeah, yeah! Hate Haru!" Ren joined his sister.

And...I almost went white at those words...

Indeed, Haru was lucky to have me, even though he has yet realized it...

But...there is just no way I would ever allow any hatred towards the one I loved.

Even family was secondary to him.

The entire world can go to hell for all I care...as long as I had Haru.

"I-it hurts..! Nii-chan!" I snapped back to reality in seconds and pulled my hands away from both Ren and Ran's shoulders. Apparently, as I got lost in my thoughts, getting slightly pissed off at that, I started squeezing them hard.

"I'm sorry..!" my apology was fast and I hugged both of them to my chest and as they muttered 'it's okay', I changed the subject. Hmm...maybe I should have shown them a bit more caring, but at that very moment... I just didn't care, "Don't ever hate anyone for no reason. Haru is not to blame for the amount of homework and preparation for tests that we need to go through..." I caressed their backs, "...but don't worry, as soon as we are done, I will be home more often," a lie with a smile, "And we can spend more time together!"

"...promise nii-chan?"

"Promise!" I smiled widely, standing up, "And now, it's time for Aniki to go to school. Be good while I'm away, don't cause mother and father any trouble."

"Hai!" both Ren and Ran said it in union, their moods lightened up and they went back to finish their breakfast before leaving for school too.

A sigh escaped my lips as I strolled down the usual path I took to school. It was hard, too hard. I didn't want to spend time dealing with all of this everyday crap. All I wanted to do was return home to Haru...my Haru-chan... My beautiful merman...

Instead, I had to be forced into an environment I wish would just disappear already. I didn't need or want any of it... I didn't like lying after all, but I had no choice in this case. If they found out about Haru, they would take him away from me...they all would. I wasn't stupid, I knew they would get me into a mental home... They would think I'm crazy.

But I am not crazy. I'm in love... I'm obsessed.

I'm just a parasite, but I am not causing harm to anyone. Haruka wouldn't have been harmed either if he didn't try leaving me.

If only he loved me...

If only...

"Good morning Mako-chan!"

"Good morning!"

"Oh, morning Nagisa, Rei..." mask on, emotions gone... Damn, I didn't wish to deal with them either right now, especially when they were going to ask a very obvious question next.

Any second now...

3...2...1-

"Where is Haru?"

Hmm...it's a bit suspicious they were even waiting at the school gate...but I will let it slide for now.

"Yeah! And why didn't you come to school during lunch break yesterday?!"

"I tried calling both you and Haru later, but your phones were turned off..."

...I'm surrounded by none other than curious and persistent little creatures, aren't I..?

Just...leave. me. ALONE.

"Oh, sorry to worry you guys. Apparently Haru was going on a trip with his parents. I only found out all about it after talking to you, Nagisa," I chuckled lightly, "So... I helped him prepare and spent some time with him. He left in the late afternoon so I decided to skip school too."

That's why Haru 'overslept', that's why we didn't come to school...it was a perfect plan.

"Oh...really?" Rei looked surprised, "That was unexpected..."

"Yeah, Haru didn't even mention a trip before...this is upsetting, we didn't even get a chance to say goodbye," Nagisa sighed defeated, then looked up at me, "Where was he going?"

"...you know how Haru is, he doesn't say much..." my pause was short, "He left for New Zealand. And he is going to be away for at least a month."

"A month?! That's a really long time!" Rei exclaimed, but then got thoughtful, "...well, his mother does have some business partners there."

Good thing they know that much.

"...well, good thing you don't have any serious tests coming up."

All I did was nod and smile wider. So far, so good...very smoothly.

And all I could think about after that was how much I wanted to go back home.

I wasn't sure how long I could keep all of my acting up and everything was going far too well for my liking, but...maybe I was starting to get paranoid. Although I was also excited... I was finally acting on my feeling freely.

Maybe it wasn't so weird... Me and Haru have always been best friends and inseparable, so it's no surprise I would know everything about him, it's no surprise I would sleep over at his place...nothing at all was surprising or suspicious.

Nothing. So maybe I shouldn't worry about it.

So I stopped.

During lunch break, I went to eat on the roof. The sky was blue, much like Haru's eyes and the light breeze was rustling my hair...a perfect day...

I wish I could show this to Haruka...

Well, maybe if he's a good boy today...

"...Makoto..."

I was opening my bento box that mother was kind enough to prepare for me, absentmindedly thinking I would need to feed Haru today too, when I heard my name being called by a very familiar voice.

Turning my head, I saw none other than Kisumi.

Grinning brightly, I patted the ground beside me for him to sit down, "Hey, how's it been..?"

"Makoto..." he had a worried expression on his face as he approached me, which made the smile disappear from mine.

What was-

"...Kisumi?"

"...is there something...wrong?"

Huh? Well...that was unexpected... And I stared surprised, feeling a bit lost...

No way...he couldn't have noticed...could he?

My heart skipped a beat, body going cold...

Trying to keep myself together, I tried a smile, "Of course there is nothing wrong...why?"

"Your smiles, they..." Kisumi shook his head, "They are...empty..."

And my body went completely numb.

There is just...no way he could have noticed that!

How?!

Unless...  
 _To Be Continued..._


	5. Swim With Me, Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sure took months to update...I apologize, but here it is I guess so that's all that matters.

The longer Kisumi stood there in silence - the more numb all of my limbs became. My mind was buzzing with so many thoughts and nothing at all.

But one thing was certain.

He couldn't have...noticed my...antics...could he..?

Could he possibly know about Haru?! Could he possibly-

I'm sorry, mother...the food you spent time preparing...has gone to waste.

"Makoto, I..." Kisumi started finally, letting out a sigh and settling down beside me. My eyes haven't left him for a second...waiting...waiting...

I could always kill him, right..? If he knew, he would surely involve our parents and the police. What...what would happen to me after that..?

That's right... I would never see Haru again...

My beautiful prince...

"...is everything okay, Kisumi?" I inquired in my soft voice, well-masked concern on my face as I looked closely at the other. No, it could all just be in my head, I was becoming paranoid. I have done something I never did before - I acted on my true feelings.

That was bound to have had some consequences...

I just...never expected a blow from Kisumi, out of all people.

Ah, speaking of all people, there was still one more...

One more...

Damn, couldn't you all just leave me, no, US alone?!

"Makoto...for a long time, I noticed you were troubled by something," a pause, violet eyes looking directly into mine, "Ever since I came to Iwatobi, I noticed a few changes in you..." I was stunned, no way, "Your smiles, your carefree attitude...you are hiding your true feelings behind them...right?" a weapon, I needed a- "I can see your hurt, Makoto. I can see the sad look in your eyes when you think that no one is looking. I can see the way you look at Haru...the differences between the times you are with him and...when he is with others," no, I can't kill him in public like this!

What do I do what do I do WHAT DO I-

"...you are jealous of Haru, aren't you? You are lonely...right...Makoto?"

No! No no NO!

Calm down, deep breath.

This was nothing.

Maybe I panicked without need...but I won't be too hopeful for now.

I need to keep my cool, my mind at ease.

Kisumi was good, I had to admit, but he wasn't that good, "You're right. I am jealous... I am lonely, but," a chuckle and a smile, "I'm pretty sure this is just a phase. As you know, me and Haru are close friends...and there is no way I could feel lonely for long, having family, friends and-"

"Close friends...huh..." Kisumi interrupted suddenly, throwing my thought process off in seconds, "I see...well then," he smiled and stood up again, "Sorry for ruining your lunch. See you around..." and he was fast to leave, as if he was never there in the first place.

Could I...breathe easier now..?

Letting out the breath I didn't know I was holding, I had to put down the bento box. Staring at my shaky hands, the encounter with Kisumi replayed in my mind over and over, non-stop.

What was that all about..? Why was Kisumi so concerned for me? Why did he notice so much, why did he...

Well, in the end, it didn't exactly matter right? What I feared most did not happen. I needed to calm down and clear my head.

Somehow, staying on the rooftop was no longer as calming as it was supposed to be.

_~*~*~_

By the end of the day, I practically forgot the encounter with Kisumi almost entirely. Sure, I was much more careful and cautious as I went to shop for some food, because Haruka's fridge was practically empty...and I was extra careful as I made my way towards my favorite person's place, making sure no one followed.

What a crazy day it was. Everyone was suddenly attacking me from different places simultaneously. What did I even do to deserve such treatment? I was only trying to keep the person I loved out of harm's way and to myself!

Haha...what I was doing... I knew it wasn't entirely right, still...what else could I possibly do? How else could I make Haru understand, after trying everything, after this long..? There was just nothing else left for me.

Nothing.

Nothing.

...nothing at all.

Ah, I hope Haru someday appreciates what I am doing for him...for us.

Entering the silent house, I put down the food and went straight for my prize. I missed him so badly, my heart starting to beat fast again, out of pure excitement this time though.

I missed him... I missed him so much...

"Hello, Haru...did you miss me?" a wide smile, shining eyes, I looked like an eagle ready to pounce its prey...or an angel, depending on your definition and perspective.

Glad to see Haru still there, I relaxed a bit and took a couple of steps towards him, "How was your day at school? Was there a surprise test? Did you eat? Were you bored or did you have fun?" a silent moment as I knelt beside Haruka, "...how were my friends? How did they react to my absence...all of those interesting questions, ne, Haru..?" I chuckled a bit, staring at Haru's back, before finally turning him to look at me.

He looked like he had...cried?

"Haru..?" something inside of me snapped in seconds, "Wh-what..." I gathered my love into my arm and held to my chest, a hand caressing dark hair, genuine concern in my eyes, "Haru..." this day was endless, wasn't it? Today I really did get a hit from all sides...

So...painful...

Sighing, I picked my prince up, carrying him out of the gloomy room.

"Were you...sorry for yourself...Haru-chan...or...did you feel...lonely...without me?" his head was leaning heavily against my shoulder. He needed food and water for sure...

I decided to feed him first and ask questions later. I loved him so so soo much... I could hardly bare it. And yet, look at him...no matter what I did, my feelings could never get through to him...

Maybe...if I killed the obstacle preventing me from entering his heart...

Haha, this was amusing, thinking about killing so much just in one day. Nothing out of the ordinary of course, what person has never thought about killing someone, right..?

It was all...ordinary...

Me sitting with Haru like this, letting him drink plenty...during which he more than ever reminded me of a merman...I just can never get beautiful pictures out of my head when Haruka is concerned, now can I? A prince, a merman...my soul...my life...

At one moment, as I was silently feeding the hungry boy, I put down the chopsticks and leaned forward, eyes dazed, capturing Haru's lips in a soft kiss...not stopping there, cupping his cheeks, wanting to go further...deeper...

And to my surprise, Haruka complied...he kissed me back as if it was nothing out of the ordinary, as if we were a long-term couple... As if...we were...

My heart was going to explode. It was...going to...

Was he...kissing back...out of...pity..?

A punch landed across Haru's cheek and I held a hand to my lips, watching him for a moment, his face as emotionless as ever...but I could see something in his eyes...something something unidentifiable...

Bullshit...this was all...

Bullshit...

As I continued feeding him, I told him all about what happened at school. About Nagisa, Rei and Kisumi too... He listened silently...although towards the end of the story it looked as if he was falling asleep, so I slapped him back to reality.

"We are not done yet, Haru-chan..." a chuckle, "You're right, it's boring and unnecessary to hear about others when we are here together," I grabbed his hair and forced his eyes on me...such beautiful...eyes... "So tell me...why were you crying? Were you lonely...or...sorry for yourself?"

And depending on the answer, I would...

I would...

He was silent again, so I tried encouraging him with a soft voice, "...tell me, Haru-chan. I want to know..." I let go of his hair, watching him.

Finally, he shook his head, looking up at me with tired eyes, "...I wanted to...swim...again..."

Eyes wide from not exactly expecting that, I stared...baffled, to say the least. And then I laughed, I laughed hard and out loud.

Ridiculous! I was fucking doing this much for him and instead of loving or hating me for it...he fucking thinks about swimming?!

Amazing...amazing...

"...alright...Haru...let me fulfill your wishes..." with a bright smile, I dragged him up the stairs towards the bathroom, not caring how many times he stumbled and fell, turning on the water. It was not yet heated of course, but I didn't care, the smile long since disappearing from my lips as I forced Haru on his knees before the bathtub, a fistful of dark hair in my hand and shoved him under the stream of water. Plugging the hole in the tub, the water slowly heating up to the point where I couldn't keep my hand under the stream...but... I kept it there... I was enduring... For Haruka.

He moved uncomfortably, but gradually it didn't burn so much, so he stopped...until he saw the hot water filling the tub.

What I was going to do became evident, so he started thrashing against me, violently...but with his bound hands and legs, there was little he could do.

It took me a while anyway, to restrain him into not moving at all...he tired himself to the point he just couldn't move a muscle.

"No..please...don't..." his eyes were pleading as he looked at me...I only tilted my head as I pulled him before the bathtub again, the water practically sipping out already.

"Why not...Haru-chan..." you did this to yourself. And without a warning, I shoved his head into the excruciatingly hot water. I waited a moment, not wanting to suffocate my beauty, before resurfacing him, him letting out a painful gasp as he tried to struggle again...but I punched him and shoved his head underwater again.

I repeated this procedure a couple of more times, until I realized my hand was used to the temperature too...so I pulled his head out and stopped, breathing hard, my rage subduing slowly...

Haru leaned his head against the side of the bathtub, just breathing...not a single word spoken. I watched him for a moment with a softened gaze, then leaned down until my face was in front of his, a smile spreading, "Did you have a good swim...Haru?"

I could see tears starting to well up in his bloodshot eyes again.

Ah, the frustrations of today..were finally over.  
 _To Be Continued..._


	6. Never Is Forever

That night, I felt especially kind...and let Haru sleep in bed with me. I was extremely exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and I needed someone by my side. I was used to sleeping alone in bed, but... Having Haru by my side was all I could possibly ask for.

The only source of light in Haru's room was the bedside lamp and I lay with my back to it, looking at the love of my life, caressing his hair. He wasn't sleeping yet, not yet. It seems he was slowly getting the picture...and didn't wish to do anything without my approval.

That thought made me smile, "You are so perfect, Haru-chan..." I scooped closer to him, my face inches away from his face, "Are you...afraid of me?"

He blinked slowly, sleepily, his face still red from what happened no more than a few hours ago, then he shook his head.

So beautiful...so tame...

I loved him so much...what was I to do? I swear, I would swallow his entire being if I could.

But alas...we were separate entities... And one of us was a complete psychopath.

Snorting at my own thoughts, I reached for the bedside table, opening a drawer and getting some hand cream I knew Haru always kept. Hah, I really did know everything about him. Why was it that he knew nothing about me..?

Pouring some of the substance on my fingers, I proceeded to cover Haru's face in it, the cold cream against his burning flesh forcing him to let out a hiss.

When I was done, I cupped his cheeks again, looking straight into gorgeous blue, "Do you love me?"

He hesitated for a moment, his eyes moving for a second, as if searching my eyes for some sign, then he said it, "Yes."

"Haru-chan...please stop lying. I think I punished you enough for today, don't you think?" my hand ran down his side, drawing the shirt up, and I watched as his eyes went wide when I touched his skin, "I will never believe a word you are saying...not ever. Never. And...you only have yourself to blame...Haru..." a miserable smile spread on my lips.

We silently lay like that moments longer, before I finally said it, "If you love me...prove it to me," I was mentally laughing, euphoric at the thought there was nothing Haru could possibly do because he didn't love me. Ah, I was such a piece of work, a mess, wasn't I..?

Haha...

But...to my surprise, he leaned to my face with little to no hesitation...and kissed my lips. At that single second, I melted... I forgot about everything else but the kiss, focusing entirely on it, giving in. My heart was pounding fast, my mind racing but no thought came to mind. I was just overwhelmed, overjoyed...

I got kissed by Haru...my Haru...

As our lips parted, his eyes still didn't leave mine and although he said nothing, I guessed it...the reason why he did it.

Snorting, I pulled him closer to me, "...alright, Haru-chan. I feel absolutely kind and relaxed tonight... Let me present you with a gift," and I reached over him, undoing the bind on his arms, "Please don't try running away though. You won't be able to escape me, my love..." while I was blindly working on the binds, I leaned my forehead against his.

Aren't I simply the best...Haru-chan? Please stop taking me for granted...

Please...

Hands free, Haru slowly pulled them from behind, rubbing his red wrists...and I took hold of one of the hands, kissing it, entwining our fingers and holding to my cheek.

"Haru-chan... I love you...please...be mine. Forget everyone else and...just stay with me...alone...for all eternity," I knew what I just said would fall on deaf ears, so I chuckled as soon as I said it, even though I was serious, "Keep being a good boy that pleases me...and I will free you like this more often...or even let you walk around the house."

I knew Haruka would try running away at one point... But I was just too kind for my own good. Naively kind...

What a shitty nature to have, ne?

But it's okay... Even if it was all fake, a lie, as long as I got to hold Haru this close, all to myself...it would be worth it. Any consequences for my actions would be worth it.

Even death.

"Haru-chan...why do you think I am not having sex with you when I want you so badly..?" I caressed his cheek again, a thumb running over parted red lips...he was just too beautiful...

This time, it was a rhetorical question, so I decided to save him the trouble and time, "Because you don't want me, Haru-chan... And I love you...there is no way I would rape you...just..." I traced a finger down his chin, then neck going down his shirt and naked skin, "No way...Haru-chan..." I suddenly dug by fingers into his side and he gasped painfully, eyes wide from not expecting it, but I retrieved my hand as soon as I did that. Damn, that was a hot sight, I almost got a boner...

But almost means nothing...

Yawning, tired out of my mind...I reached for the bedside lamp, turning it off.

"Goodnight, Haru-chan...my prince..." I held him tightly, feeling sleep overwhelm me as I passed out.

Subconsciously, I could feel Haruka do the same.

That night...he didn't even try running away...and I got to hold him throughout the night, as if sheltering him from something, from all the evils of this world...

Ironically...

From myself.

_~*~*~_

Two uneventful days passed since then and I haven't harmed Haru once. I bound his arms again, but generally I didn't do any wrong to him...because he did no wrong to me either.

We ate, we bathed, watched some movies...nothing much new.

Because Haruka's phone was turned off, I had to take a call from his worried parents right to my cellphone and tell them that everything was okay with their son, that I was taking good care of him...and it wasn't even a lie at that.

I was indeed taking extra good care of my love, wasn't I..?

They suspected nothing, just asked me to tell Haru to charge his phone. Nothing new concerning that either. Good thing they were away on long business trips almost all the time, so Haru was left alone in the house.

Perfect.

Amazing...just this once in my life, it actually looked like the entire world was on my side. No one was preventing me from staying with Haruka.

No one...just this once, I was actually getting what I wanted!

Amazing, amazing! This was such a good feeling! I never really knew what it felt like to truly get what you want!

Aahh...

During two straight days, I didn't ask him any questions and simply focused on spending some quality time. I didn't go to school either. Nagisa messaged me once, asking if I was alright... I lied saying I came down with the cold.

He and Rei didn't bother visiting me. They didn't even suggest it...hn...some friends. Sometimes I wondered if we really were friends even.

My parents...were fine with me sleeping at Haru's. They were going to go on a business trip in just about a day though, so unfortunately I would need to leave Haru by himself... But until then, I would have him all to myself as much as I could, no doubt about it.

Ah, I could really live my life like this.

If only I could.

I forgot all about him. Two happy days were enough to make me forget about the source of my mind freeing itself out of its cage, out of its masked happiness and joy.

It was not just Haru, but also...

Matsuoka Rin... The one I wished I could destroy with my bare hands.

The one who was supposedly better than me.

The one who Haru loved... The one who loved Haru back...

The one I knew I would need to confront sooner or later...

And it just so happens...today was the day.

I ran into him and Sousuke by chance.

Or so I thought.

Samezuka was far away from Iwatobi and our neighborhood.

What were they doing there?

Haha. They were kind enough to let me finish my shopping at least.

I guess.

"Makoto...long time no see," Rin wasn't pissed, but he wasn't smiling either. Sousuke was silently standing behind him, leaning against a wall and just watching...watching my every move.

Ugh...my paranoia was back.

I just left the store, bags in hands, blinking surprised, masking my inner discomfort by a bright smile, "Hello Rin, good to see you! What are you doing here..?"

Playing a dumb, cheerful and carefree idiot was easy...and there was not a single time it did me wrong.

And it was working on Rin too.

Still, now that I saw him like this, I was certain it was almost by chance.

Because...he was probably there for Haru. I turned Haru's phone off since the day I awakened, I wouldn't be surprised if Rin messaged and called him countless times. Fat chances though.

So I guess...someone up there in the sky was really on my side...since Rin ran into me before getting a chance to actually visit Haru's place.

All was well.

And finally...we could settle this once and for all.

Although... I wondered whether Rin even knew about my feelings...

Probably not.

But even better.

I will use everything to my advantage.

Rin's face suddenly held worry...and I blinked. Oh, here it comes, "You are always with Haru, do you know where he is? I tried texting and calling him lots of times during the past days, but his phone is out of reach. And...it's not like him," head lowered, fists clenched...my grip on the bags tightened too, "Haru...never breaks promises...not to me...not concerning swimming and a race."

Haru Haru Haru...me me me...me and Haru...

...Promises...

My god...could he possibly be more obsessed with Haru than I was?

Doubtful, impossible...but...this made me sick to my stomach. There was nothing else I wanted at that second than to smash Rin's head with the grocery bags that I held...but... Eyeing Sousuke, I smiled wider, facing Rin again, "Oh don't worry so much about Haru-chan, Rin! He left with his parents for New Zealand on a business trip. They should be back in a month," I sighed, playing at a disappointed look, my eyes looking at the ground, "I know what you mean, it happened so suddenly for my liking too. Haru probably turned his phone off so we wouldn't waste money. You should try skyping him or something! That's how I was keeping in touch with him recently!" if Rin buys this - I win.

"Strange... I haven't seen him online there for days either..." Rin frowned a bit...and I knew at that second he wasn't entirely buying it, but I guess because he thought it was me, and he knows 'me' exactly like the rest of our so called friends, he decided to go along with it to my surprise, relief and triumph, "Alright, I'll see if I can reach him again..." 'if not - I will be at your throat again' - was obviously left out. And I knew the next time we meet, things wouldn't be this civil.

At least I would be prepared for that time, unlike this one.

And we would settle everything for good. For sure.

Just thinking about this excited me. I couldn't wait.

I couldn't wait to get out of this. Out of my misery concerning Rin Matsuoka.

"Yeah, you do that!" I smiled widely again and Rin's eyes softened.

What a fool...but alright.

1-0, my lead.

"Let's go meet the others at Iwatobi, Sousuke," Rin proposed, already moving. He didn't bother calling me too but I guessed it's because he thought I was sick, like Nagisa said. Though why would I be shopping if I was sick..? Well, maybe he didn't want to pry.

I should constantly remind myself that not everyone thought the same way as me. No one would ever be able to understand me.

No one.

Oh well I-

"I'll catch up with you in a moment, Rin... I need to talk to Makoto," Sousuke's face was expressionless as he raised his hand in a goodbye to Rin, pushing away from the wall and stepping towards me.

Wh-what?!

Sousuke?! Why would he, out of all people?!

And my anxiety was back again.

There was just no escape for me.

No peace of mind.

Never.

Forever.

Ugh...

Someone...please...

Just...kill me...

Please...

KILL. ME..!  
_To Be Continued..._


	7. I Am Fine, Thank You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...So I'm a liar and you're a thief -  
> At least we both know where the other one sleeps..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a necessary sidetrip.  
> No need to worry about it though, you are indeed reading a MakoHaru fic.
> 
> Dedicated to StirlingPhoenix.

Ah, it has been forever since I noticed how bright, blinding, the sun was... To think that such a deadly object actually gave life to creatures of this planet...

In my case, I just wish it would go away...because I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't need life anymore.

Good thing that despite such blinding brightness... I was dragged into a shade right behind the store, with little to no audience as to what was about to happen.

And I knew what was about to...

I wasn't stupid.

Although...actually...

I was.

"Makoto..." Sousuke let out with a smile on his face, a hand on each side of my head as I leaned against the wall, grocery bags lost somewhere along the way in. Ah, I hope I didn't spill anythi-

"I missed you..." a shiver ran down my spine at the whisper into my ear and I gulped down saliva.

Damn, I-

"Sousuke, wait..."

I knew he wouldn't. If anything, he would take that as an invitation...and he planted a kiss on my neck. A breath was caught in my throat.

Shit... He proceeded to nip at the tender flesh and I subconsciously threw my head to the side, to give him more room. My breathing became heavier, I felt hands roam my body.

It felt good, but...

"Why did you stop coming for a visit?" Sousuke asked against my skin and I almost gave in.

Almost...but I didn't.

I didn't tell him to stop though...not just yet.

I couldn't.

Because...

"...did you finally act on your feelings, Makoto?" and that was when Sousuke pulled back, a cocky smile on his face, piercing me with his deadly eyes.

Ah...I loved...those eyes.

As my breathing returned to normal, I looked away.

That's right. Ever since I snapped, I forgot... I completely...forgot...

My memory, my life before...

What has happened to me?!

What have I...become..?

...and...what was I...doing?

"How..?"

"Oh, don't be so naive, Makoto..." Sousuke's face became serious, a hand caressing my cheek, knuckles brushing against my skin, "Kisumi told me about the change he noticed in you," another smile, "Besides...looking at the way you are right now..." that's right... I had no mask on. I didn't need one, not in front of him, not him, "Is very...satisfying," his eyes softened, adoration visible, "...so you finally opened up to the world, huh? Or rather...to Nanase...ne..?"

Shit. This was a problem...someone knowing about me like this...

And...was Sousuke...jealous?

That didn't come as a surprise...it shouldn't...it's logical he would be...

...it was Sousuke, after all...and I knew him too well, "I am not coming back," I looked him straight in the eye as I said it.

"I don't expect you to," we had no promises from the start, "But..." he sighed, cupping my cheeks...and I allowed him to act as he wanted...because, "I am going to miss what we had..."

"Liar..."

He was like me.

And just as his lips brushed against mine, I parted mine to reply...but something flashed in my mind, someone...and I whispered 'stop'.

He stopped instantly. Because...it was our save word.

And he would never break it.

Sousuke was...so pure. So...inviting...so very...

Reachable...

But...

"You know... I will never understand one thing about you, Makoto..." his hands were still on my cheeks...but it was okay, "You already have someone...someone who understands you, who can make you happy..."

"No..."

"Don't deny it..." a hand on my hair, gripping it a bit, out of habit, before the grip lessened...and fingers caressed my locks instead, "...why do you go after Nanase..? Tell me, Makoto...why...don't you want to be happy?"

Damn...he doesn't even need to ask or talk...

I understand his emotions, feelings...with little to no words...

How scary...

"You can't make me happy..."

"I could...because I know you like I know myself," a pause, "You just don't want to be happy...you think you don't deserve to be happy...to be understood and loved...yet..." Sousuke leaned his cheek against mine, holding me close, "I do...and you know I do...because..."

"But Rin..."

"Forget Rin..."

I snorted amused, "You know what I will do to-"

"I know."

"And you are not against-?"

"Do it."

I was speechless, "You sure..?"

"Yes..." blue met green, "...do it. You need to," a hand on my chest, "Rejoice...in your freedom."

"...so you are choosing me over Rin?"

"Always," 'unlike you, I know clearly what I want' didn't even need to be added.

I was stupid, wasn't I..? If only... Haru was...

Ugh...

"Makoto...why..."

He will forever ask me that...won't he? I understand...

I understand why...

"Did you fuck Nanase yet..?"

I knew that was coming...

Silence followed.

He knew.

"You know why you don't want to fuck Haru..?" a sad smile appeared on Sousuke's face, "Because...deep down...you know you don't want him... Because you are not compatible... Because he is not actually your soul...because," he was close to my face again and...fuck... I held my breath... His words...he was so...alluring, "You already have someone...who is the same parasite as you."

I knew he was right...

But...

"I love Haru...Sousuke... I breathe with his life."

A snicker, "A life that turned you into this...a life that gives zero fucks about you... A life that destroys you..." he sighed and I felt his breath on my face, "It will...kill you."

"I know...but..." I smiled, "Wouldn't that be wonderful..?"

"Makoto..."

"Maybe in the next life...or in hell... I will finally be smart enough...to make the right choice...and," I raised a hand to Sousuke's cheek, "Be...happy..."

Sousuke leaned into my hand and closed his eyes.

Same as Haru's eyes...yet...different from Haru's...

So...different...

Happiness...it was a foreign feeling to me. Ever since I could remember, I always tried hard for others, always wanting to make them happy, never focusing on myself...and somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to make myself happy...no one really tried either...

No one before Sousuke...but...it's hard...

So hard...to accept.

Ah, with this, one thing was clear and certain...

"You will fall with me...Sousuke..."

He didn't say anything. The answer was obvious. Sousuke just...smiled.

And it was beautiful to see.

His replies were beautiful..this entire conversation...

It was soothing. I almost believed in him...almost trusted...

And I knew I could, even though I trusted no one.

Egocentric...that's what I was.

That's what I became.

And he...accepted it all. He has seen it before.

He knows. Everything.

And yet... I push him away.

He is not for me...I want...

Haru.

Only...Haru.

Haru...Haru...

Why...can't it be Sousuke...instead...

I am sick...

I am tired...

Kill me.

And I laughed... I laughed out loud in my misery. I didn't know what I was supposed to do anymore. Sousuke held me close to him at that very second as I laughed away.

This was so twisted, so insane. I loved someone who gave no fucks about me. I didn't want the one who understood me most. I detached myself from this life. I fucking REJECTED it. I reject my own existence. I want it all gone.

I want to die I want to die I want to-

Haha... I was no longer laughing...tears slipped out of my eyes and I wept...

I cried...why was I crying?

I didn't know...

How fucking weak...

Monsters...don't feel... They have no emotions, they shouldn't cry.

I had no reason to cry. I was fine.

Fine fine fine fine-

Fine...

This was nothing...

Bring on more hardships, world...

I am ready for you.

Sinking to my knees along with Sousuke, who never once let me go, I slowly calmed down, a blank expression on my face.

I couldn't think about anything anymore...

I had nothing on my mind...

I just...wanted...to make it all go away...

To make the pain...go away...

"Do you want to cut..?" Sousuke whispered against my hair and I practically flinched from his words, but my eyes softened.

A lullaby for my soul...

Did I...want to..?

"It will make it all better...my love..."

"Liar...it never helped you."

A snort from him...but I reached into his pocket anyway for a pocket knife...

We were...crazy...weren't...we..?

I wanted...out...

"Let me..." Sousuke's voice was gentle as he took the knife away, taking my hand and entwining our fingers, "...they won't suspect anything...because..."

"I'm an angel..." I laughed watching our hands, then the knife as its tip slid against my arm in a one swift cut. It hurt, it stung badly...but...for that reason, it was satisfying...

Ah...red... It was a good color.

Sousuke pulled the arm to his lips and licked at the cut, eyes on mine again...

And I realized at that moment, that I could see it.

He did love me.

Pulling my arm away, I touched the cut and stood up. I still felt the same, only that now I had physical pain to accompany my inner suffering.

And...somehow...it was satisfying at least.

Balancing.

"Goodbye, Sousuke..."

"It is not, not yet. And we are destined...for another life."

I smiled at that.

"Look for me whenever...Makoto."

I would.

And it was my first genuine smile in years.

Haru...where are you..?

I...need...you...

Now.

Grabbing my bags, I stood there moments longer...then went into the blinding light.

But for some reason... I didn't notice it either.

I needed to get my thoughts together, but...just this once.

I was calm. I had none.

For a moment...I was alright.

Probably.  
_To Be Continued..._


	8. Ich bin im Dunkeln

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took ages to update huh..? My apologies, I was all over the place with other stories and fandoms...but trust me when I say, I will finish this one eventually. Please bare with me.

I am not sure how I carried my feet to the house then. I felt...drunk, out of it...entranced. I didn't know where I was going, I don't know what I was doing anymore...

Until I saw him...Haruka... My Haru... Darling Haru-chan.

And my heart started beating fast again...with an emotion I couldn't identify myself just yet.

He was in the dark room again. Sometimes I questioned as to why he even had a room like this in this shiny house...but I was never curious enough to ask the question out loud.

Who gives a crap as to why it's there, right? I put it to good use.

"Haru..." finally making my way towards the source of my suffering, I plopped down on the floor beside him, watching bright blue flutter open. I guess he dozed off while I was gone.

Sweet, beautiful...Haruka...

I smiled, "Heeeey," when I saw his eyes on me, leaning in to kiss him, which became a sort of ritual now. Only this time, I paused, my heartbeat going a mile per second again, and a frown appeared on my face...as I leaned back just a little bit, staring at Haru, but right through him.

And I saw someone else entirely for nearly a second, squeezing my eyes shut tightly, in a desperate attempt for that sight to go away.

_I love you...my sweet, angelic, Makoto._

At that very moment, I wanted to scream again, but I kept myself together. Deep breathing. That was the key. And as I opened my eyes again, slowly, as if afraid to see him once again.

But he wasn't there. Instead, I was met with concerned eyes from my merman.

And it...surprised me.

"Oh... You don't need to worry about me, my love..." I caressed Haru's cheek, endearingly, putting all of my feelings into that one motion.

"Heeey...let me tell you about today's fun events," I paused, watching closely for his reaction, calculating every sign, as I said the following line, "I saw Rin..." I paused...and although I was supposed to have paid attention to his reaction...when I thought back to him again, I couldn't focus anymore... And his name came a mere whisper from my lips "And Sousuke..."

I carried Haru away to the bed. I liked seeing him there with me...and today, I especially needed him.

Wish you needed me as much as I need you...Haru-chan...

I told him the entire story with dead eyes. I would be crying, I know I would be... If I had anymore tears left in my eyes to shed. I don't know what Haru's reaction was during the entirety of the story. And...for the first time in my life... I didn't care. My heart was hurting so damn much I thought it was going to burst...

Until finally... I focused on him again.

What's this I was looking at right now..?

Surprise? Disbelieve? What?

I couldn't read... Oh god... I couldn't understand what he was showing me...

I... I always understood _his_ -

Did I...really love Haru..?

Another laugh. Hand on my eyes.

Stop...stop thinking that way. Stop disgusting yourself with those thoughts, Makoto.

You went this far for him... It's undoubted love.

Or is it...revenge?

A pause. During which my mind was buzzing with too many thoughts and I wasn't sure which one to grasp. Eyes closed, I felt my entire world spin, I felt as if I was going to fall...

But then... It stopped. And I now knew the answer.

This was simply unrequited love. That's all it was.

And unrequited love was supposed to feel this way.

Why did I...choose this... Over...him..?

Ahahahaha...

Ugh...

Someday...maybe I will understand it myself.

It's not like I could ever understand my own heart.

"Haruukaaa..." I let out in a fake whiny voice, hovering over the other boy, "I have a question..."

I suddenly felt stronger again, my mind firm. I know what I was doing now. I knew of my purpose again.

Oh god...my emotions were all over the place...huh..?

And I knew...what was going to happen next.

And it made a shiver run down my spine in anticipation.

Oh god...oh god...oh god...

Adrenaline surfing through my veins.

And my eyes lit up. I know they did. Haruka's expression told me so.

Oh, Haru-chan... Please don't be scared. There is no horror here.

Only macabre.

"...do you feel jealous right now, after hearing all that?"

And I laughed. This time, I laughed because that was the best question in the universe!!

There is no way that could ever be a positive. Oh god. I was getting myself into so much pain today I was overdosing!

More more more...mooore!!!!

Let me make you suffer too. Just like you make me.

"Haaaruuukaaaa... You know I tend to get impatient. Answer the damn question."

I was already thinking of what I was going to do. How I was going to satisfy my mind next.

Making Haru suffer was my sedative, after all.

Haruka...cure me... Save me...cure me...

Cure me with your screams!!

"Answer!!" I yelled at him. And...since I never have, this is the scariest I ever saw him be.

How very interesting.

Grabbing a fistful of his hair, I pulled in back painfully, yelling in his face, "Jealous or not??!! Tell me!!"

And he finally did.

It made my entire world calm down again.

And not in a good way. Never a good way.

Not with him...not with Haru.

'I...am."

Oh...but I know how to play this game, Haru. I am well aware of the rules...and how it is that I asked the question in the first place.

"Whom are you jealous of... Haru-chan..?"

Haru-chan~ Haru-chan~

How endearing...

There was no pause as he said 'you'.

Okay. That's cool.

"I don't understand...do you enjoy suffering that much? Maybe this is your kink I was unaware of, Haru..?"

But what I said just now. Didn't need an answer. It was all rhetorical.

Liars needed to be put into place. I despised him so much for his continuous lies...

I can't begin to express how much I hated him for it.

Slowly, I gathered Haru into my arms once again. He started thrashing, ugh...how annoying... So I dropped him on the floor before picking him up again. That cooled him down...just like that.

You are so easy to manipulate... Haru-chan.

"Hey, Haruka... Did you know that lying is a sin?"

I placed him down on the counter in a sited position, grabbed his chin and forced his mouth open, "And as with all sins...you get a severe punishment for it."

I kissed him, hard, teeth against teeth as I bit through his lips and eventually I bit his tongue too, which was my main goal.

He sat there bleeding and with tears in his eyes already.

I don't think he had any strength or resolve to defend himself or talk...

Pathetic.

I sighed and shook my head.

Oh poor...poor delusional Haruka.

I turned on the stove.

You have seen nothing yet.  
 _To Be Continued..._


End file.
